you gotta dance.

"and before i knew it, there wasn't a thing to my name left. they stripped me to the bone. and then they kicked me out. a real education, let me tell you, " he forced another smile. "made me grow up real fast."
"everybody has to grow up."
"you're right there. i used to think the years would go by in order, that you get older one year at a time," said gotanda, peering into my face. "but it's not like that. it happens overnight."

- dance dance dance / h.murakami

everything straight lies

[disappearers]

[three transitions]

*

there's nothing worse than waking up in total darkness. it's like having to go back and live life all over from the beginning. when i first opened my eyes, it was as if i were living someone else's life. after an extremely long time, this began to macth up with my own life. a curious overlap this, my own life as someone else's. it was improbable that such a person as myself could even be living.
i went to the kitchen and splashed water on my face, then drank down a couple of glasses quickly. the water was cold as ice, but still my face was burning hot. i sat back down on the sofa amid the darkness and silence began gradually to gather up the pieces of my life. i couldn't manage to grasp too much, but at least it was my life. slowly i returned to myself. it's hard to explain what it is to get there, and it'd undoubtedly try your interest.
(...) i thought about cells. like my ex-wife had said, ultimately every last cell of you is lost. lost even to yourself. i pressed the palm of my hand against my cheek. the face my hand felt in the dark wasn't my own, i didn't think. it was the face of another that had taken the shape of my face. but i couldn't remember the details. everything - names, sensations, places - dissolved and was swallowed into the darkness.

- a wild sheep chase / h.murakami